“I used to be a people pleaser until I realized that pleasing people still doesn’t please them.”
Hey Black Girl,
People pleasing always seems like a good idea but it’s one of the most self destructive things you can do to yourself. This is something I deeply struggled with and am embarrassed to admit. There was a moment in time where I would worry so much about what people thought about me and the decisions I made. It was draining and stressful, I mean can you imagine every time you’re making a decision you’re considering other people’s opinions? That’s a lot to take on, mentally and emotionally. Especially, when you’re the only one who will deal with said outcomes. I get it though, you want people to like you. You don’t want to disappoint people. You want to be that person who “goes with the flow.” I get it. I’m not going to sit here and say that I’ve mastered this 100% but it is something that I’m continuing to make progress on. When I truly started to love myself is when I stopped seeking less validation from outside people and more validation within. It’s a never-ending process. Here’s what I am learning:
Seeking Validation Eliminates The Space For You To Be You
Seeking constant validation can eliminate space for you to be your authentic self. How can you truly know yourself if every decision you make is based off of what others will think? At that point, you’re no longer you but what you think people want you to be. It’s okay to have your own opinions, boundaries, thoughts, etc. It’s what makes you, you!
Learn How To Say No
Whew, this one is tough. Trust me, I get it completely. It used to be hard for me to say no to people because I didn’t want to disappoint anyone but then I realized that I was the one suffering constantly saying yes to everything! I’d say yes to things, knowing I didn’t have a desire to do it or I didn’t have the time or energy. This got old very fast. I could no longer put myself last. If I’m not up to doing something or I don’t have the energy, I’m not doing it. I love me way too much to suffer. Don’t make yourself uncomfortable to make others comfortable.
Know Your Goals And Boundaries
When you know your goals and boundaries, you’ll know when to say no. This resonates with me so much. When you don’t know who you truly are you’ll say yes to everything but when you find yourself you’ll be firm and only do things that align with who you are.
Don’t be so obsessed with people’s opinions of you that you start to hide who you really are trying to impress them. Be your authentic self and seek validation from within! You cannot please everyone.
P.S: Happy Women's Month! Please be sure to check out our feature for Black Excellence of The Week.